Who would have thought that a song meant for worship would trigger a memory?  We have very few safe spaces, and I hate it when trauma invades them.  I’ve never liked the Down by the River song…ever. It has always creeped me out, but I didn’t know why.  It just felt like a creepy old man kind of song. It made me feel as if I was dirty and needed to be scrubbed with bleach.  I suppose it still does. But then I got the memory.  It really sucked.  C. was suddenly gone and never came back to participate or even listen to the service. My protector was nowhere to be found because even she doesn’t want to be out around J.  I don’t understand how that works.  If her only job is to protect us, why does she even have the choice of hiding in her room on the island and leaving us to fend for ourselves? I logically know that parts have talked about being abused at a campground around a campfire. But in this memory, it was at a different location. It was behind Marty’s apartment, 2 buildings down from ours, in his backyard, at the edge of the woods. And it wasn’t head knowledge, it was more.  I felt as if I was there. It felt like maybe it was happening to me…or at least to my body.  It wasn’t someone else’s story this time. It wasn’t void of physical sensations and gut-wrenching fear. I don’t think I’ve ever felt the sensations it created in my body.  Then someone got so loud in my head, demanding help, over and over and over again.  I couldn’t focus on the message at all, the longer the service went on, the louder they got.  I was so afraid I was going to switch, and it would not be C. that came out. But Yahweh is faithful, and we made it through the service.