Trying to hold my system together and not be a burden. Focusing on Yah, getting my parts to Yeshua, and using scripture memorization to distract. We are finally stabilizing and able to think more clearly. Gaining some productive co-consciousness with C., but the other parts are still not talking to me. It drives me crazy with how needy they are. I’ve been trying to tell them that we are testing a theory to see if it is really possible for them to get their needs met by using their words instead of ignoring the needs until wind up in crisis. I really don’t know… There is something about speaking up, asking for help, or even having an opinion that feels like being thrown into the lion’s den. When C. said in a session that the toddler part didn’t speak because they threatened to cut out her tongue it strangely resonates deeply through every fiber of my being. I have no memory of it, but it makes so many things make sense. It “feels” like the truth, and it is not hard to imagine my mother saying that. Not much difference between “keep your mouth shut or I’ll cut your tongue out” and “I hate you! I wish you would die and go to hell!” or “shut your mouth or I will kill you” or “I wish you were never born”. Is it really any different in the bigger scheme of things? I just don’t know why I would remember her saying all the other things every day, but I don’t remember her saying she would cut our tongue out. Someone just came very close to the front. They are intense, they might be the one that holds all the anger away from me. I need to take a break now.